Home
by InExileB
Summary: Repost - originally posted on the darveysecretsanta2018 account. Songfic prompt- All the lights are coming on now, how I wish that it would snow now, I don't feel like going home now. Season 8B, Harvey struggles with seeing Donna with someone else before Christmas.


The elevator doors open. Home. Finally.

It's been a long day, as they all have been for a while. He's been working later lately to finish up everything before most of the firm's clients would be away or absent for the holidays. As tired as he feels, he doesn't mind being busy, as the darkness and the cold and other joys of winter have been sinking in, starting to make his condo feel emptier by the day.

Harvey turns the lights on, drops his coat on the bar stool and with unsure steps stumbles to the couch. He feels like his legs are going to give out, but he feels so restless he can't bring himself to sit down. He paces around, trying to get his shit together. He walks to the fridge to grab a bottle of water, and manages to drink a few sips. He is angry, and he is terrified. He had been doing fine for months. He was feeling like his usual self again. It had not occurred in a whole year. And yet, in the past three weeks alone, it has been happening more days than not. Ever since the Holiday party at the firm. Ever since he saw her hand in hand with him. Ever since the realization that he fucked up really struck him _._

He recognized Thomas right away, of course. He had had a few meetings with him in the few weeks prior to the party. He vaguely remembers how the conversation went. He knows she briefly explained how they started seeing each other outside the firm, but his brain was already shut down, or maybe he subconsciously wanted to ignore the matter. All he remembers is the will it took him to catch his breath. And the poignant pinch in his heart. He knows he managed to keep a straight enough face to not draw unwanted attention, but it felt like an enormous feat. The thoughts were spiralling in his head then, and they have been ever since.

She looked happy that night, genuinely happy. She had that look in her face that only she could sport. The confident, determined, straight to the point look of Donna Paulsen. Getting hit by a bus wouldn't even compare to the shock he felt. Blindsiding? Betrayal? He couldn't say. Panic? Definitely panic. And as if seeing her with another man wasn't enough, that other man had to be the most charming and genuinely exquisite man of New York City.

He sits down near the fireplace, trying to still his shaking hands and legs. He resents that feeling. Not being able to control his own body, his own thoughts. He feels so inadequate. Every breath seems like a struggle, as if his lungs could not nearly expand enough to allow the air in. He keeps thinking about her, about where she might be. Is she with him right now? The sole thought of her resting in his arms makes his heart pound in a painful way.

How could he have been so clueless? How could he have not told her what he felt when she kissed him? How could he not have kissed her back... well, really kissed her back? How could he not have accepted to join her after he broke up with Paula? All these questions were incessant and sometimes, on nights like this one, it would haunt him to the point where all his energy was sucked, and his will was all but strong.

It's not going away. Why is it not going away? The lump in his throat makes him want to throw up.

Harvey rises and approaches the bar with a certain hesitation. He's always hated to feel drawn to a drink, but he certainly doesn't have the will to step away from it right now. He grabs the open bottle of whisky from the shelf. One quarter left. That would have to do. He pours the liquid in a glass, nearly spilling half of its contents with the bottle slipping out of his sweaty palm. He feels so clumsy. He despises himself for feeling this weak, and mostly for feeling incapable whenever this takes over, which means pretty much all the fucking time, lately.

He walks back to the couch and crashes on it. He chugs a few sips, instantly feeling the sweet burn down his throat. Dropping his weight on the back of the couch, he loosens his tie and tries to gather his thoughts. Why does it affect him so much? He had so many opportunities to approach her, yet he never felt the urge to.

The thoughts turmoil in his head, making him feel like his brain is going to explode. Hell, he couldn't even bring himself to step up now, after she started dating Thomas. What he does know, is that he can't stand picturing her with him... or with anyone, really.

All his thoughts keep going back to their last real discussion last week. When he messed up. Again.

S _he stormed unannounced into his office,_ _"Y_ _ou're sending associates to deliver your messages now?"_

 _She caught him by surprise, but he slowly looked back at the document on his desk, trying as he might to not let it show._ _"Well I was busy, Donna."_

 _"Busy, right." She barely even tried to disguise her irritated tone. "_ _You were also busy when you avoided me all day yesterday? When we were supposed to work on the planning before the meeting with Mr Patterson?"_

 _"I_ _wasn't avoiding you Donna, I actually have to work, and-"_

 _"O_ _h bullshit Harvey!" she blurted out, "You have been avoiding me ever since I told you about Thomas!"_

 _He looked at her with wide open eyes, holding his head up high. "T_ _old me? You didn't tell me, you shoved it in my face! In front of all our partners, and in front of some of our most valued clients. But maybe personal matters were in order, since apparently you're getting involved with them now!"_

Harvey puts his face in his hands, after violently dropping his glass on the table in front of him. He snapped again, dammit. Why does he keep doing that?

 _Donna paused, her jaw slightly dropped and her cheeks were flushing,"Excuse me?"_

 _"W_ _hat, you're gonna tell me you met Thomas by accident, before he was my client?"_

 _"H_ _e's not your client, Harvey. He is a client of the firm. And don't you pretend that it's what's making you so pissed," she add_ _ed_ _, with a daring stare._

 _Harvey's arms raised up_ _in_ _exasperation, "W_ _hat is that even supposed to mean?"_

 _"You would have been fine with it if he was the postman? Or a consultant?"_

 _Harvey looked away for a second, trying to focus his attention on a distant passerby in the hallway. He was taken by surprise. Again. He hated how she could read his mind before he could even do so himself. It made him feel like a deer caught in headlights._

 _Clenching his jaw, he looked back at Donna, breathing in deeply before answering, but she continued before he could speak._

 _"So? What is it, Harvey? W_ _hy don't you speak your mind instead of beating around the bush as you always do?" She stared at him, her face cold as stone. If her eyes could fire shots, he'd have been riddled with bullets in a fraction of second._

 _Harvey tried to think of a clever thing to say, but nothing came out; he was incapable of putting his thoughts into coherent words._

 _Donna's expression was ambiguous, showing a mix of impatience and anger, and it put Harvey off guard even more. Her resentful sigh finally broke the silence. She rolled her eyes and quickly turned around, walking back out of his office as quickly as she came in._

" _I just-" Harvey managed to speak in a breath, feeling his heartbeat racing._

 _Donna stopped and paused for a few seconds, then turned around cautiously. She just looked straight at him, waiting for him to continue._

" _A_ _warning would have been nice_ _,_ _" he went on, unsure about how to continue from there._

 _"Why?" Her voice was low and close to a whisper. "And don't you dare tell me that it bothers you, Harvey."_

 _His mind was racing, yet nothing would come out. "Well, it does bother me_ _,_ _" he added with reluctance._

Harvey clenches his fists, his eyes closed shut with the vivid image of Donna's face at this very moment. A face of resignation, of disappointment and, mostly, of annoyance. Of all the things he could have told her, that's all he could come up with. How could he be so dumb?

 _"All these years, Harvey." she spoke slowly. "You had all these years to tell me something and, even now, you still can't say anything._ _Well, it's too late now. I'm good. I'm happy. Thomas gets me. And you know what? He actually tells me how he feels more than once every decade."_

 _Donna turned around and walked away, for good this time._

He lost count of how many times he replayed this scene in his head in the last week. He wishes he could go back in time. But what for? He can't even think of what he could tell her, if he could plan it ahead. He doesn't understand why it can't just come out easy. He constantly feels stunned, as if his thoughts were in a cage of which he lost the key. He just let her slip away without manning up. What a coward he is.

He picks up his glass and drinks the last sip. He takes a deep breath, finally feeling his lungs settle and his vision clear. He stares at his empty glass and, after a little hesitation, he walks up the the bar for a refill, in hope of making the spiralling stop.

He drinks a sip, then a second one, feeling all their effect at once. Sitting back on the couch, he removes his tie and undoes the first button of his shirt. Turning the glass in his hand, he thinks back to the firm's party. To her perfectly placed hair. To how beautiful she looked in that simple yet elegant red dress. His heart is still aching, maybe from the palpitations that have just stopped, but most likely from the tweak he feels whenever he thinks of her and her smile. He can't even remember the last time she smiled like that for him. Or because of him.

He finishes his glass and attempts to stand up, only to fall back on the couch. Well, maybe his glasses were more substantial than usual. He is feeling a little groggy, but at least his body is not shaking anymore.

Harvey huffs. Thomas Kessler. What does he even have? What does she even see in him? He was the most regular New Yorker one can get. Harvey lets his head fall back to rest on the back of the sofa. He has to admit the guy knew what he was talking about regarding the NBA. In a sorry attempt to feed the small talk back at the party, and after quite a few glasses of scotch, Harvey caught himself actually enjoying discussing the latest statistics of the big stars of the game, to the despair of Donna who he knew was trying hard not to die of boredom. He later learned that Thomas actually took Donna to a game, and then to theatre a day later, and that they went to the fine arts museum the week after that. _Well, shit_. The guy did have something.

Harvey feels his head getting heavier, and his eyes are getting harder and harder to keep open. His brain has become somewhat numb from all the whisky intake. He stands up and, not without difficulty, he stumbles to his bed, where his body crashes. He semi-consciously reminisces of a strawberry scent and of soft satin skin, then everything goes black.

* * *

Harvey opens his eyes a little after 8am, instantly regretting having one glass too many last night. His head is pounding, his mouth is dry and he feels like he has been run over by a truck. He's feeling cold, then notices he slept on top of his bedding.

He considers getting up, but quickly opts against it after trying to sit on the edge of the bed. It's not like anyone will notice him not showing up as early as usual, anyway. Covering his head with his pillow, he falls back to sleep for an hour.

By 10am, he feels in an acceptable state to show up at the office. He could work from home, really, as he brought a huge bookcase of documents to keep him busy over the holidays, but the thought of being alone on that particular day fills him with dismal anticipation. He used to not give it too much importance, as he had spent holidays alone a few times. But in the previous years, he spent those days with Mike, then Mike and Rachel, and even the three of them with Donna, two years ago. As the years pass by, he does have to admit he is getting more emotional over it.

Arrived at the firm, the elevator doors open to the 50th floor. Most of the offices are empty, except for the zealous receptionist of the floor and some associates who obviously want to prove their worth. Harvey remembers the time he actually worked overnight on Christmas in his first year at the firm, wanting to finish up a case before everyone else. That thought makes him smile, suddenly hit by a hint of nostalgia. Those were the good old times.

He steps into his office, a part of him regretting stalling on his work when he sees the papers piling up on his desk. He sits down and, with a sigh, starts reading through the first document.

He's caught up in his work when he hears footsteps approaching. Her footsteps. He doesn't need to peek in the direction of the door to recognize her walk. He looks at his watch. 1pm. He didn't expect her to be there, and it just makes him regret his slightly hungover state even more.

He looks up as she walks in, and does she ever look stunning. She's wearing an adjusted green dress, too casual for work yet too classy for a casual event. Her hair is just perfect, as always, though a bit dishevelled from the wind.

"Donna," he says with an inquiring voice, "What are you doing here?"

"I'm just stopping in-and-out," she says, with a thankfully lighter tone than he's been used to in the previous days. "I had last minute changes to make in a document I've been working on, and I wanted to make sure everything is in order since I'm taking a couple of days off for a change. We're having dinner tonight and I don't want it to be on my mind."

 _We._ He knew he'd get used to it someday, but at this very moment, all it does is make his heart sting. With a significant effort, he manages to keep a straight face and, casually – as he can be, at least – he lowers his gaze to the open file on his desk.

"Donna Paulsen taking days off? Well that's a first," he says half jokingly, looking back at her.

"Says the man sitting in his office on a Christmas Eve," she replies. He can see the smile on the corner of her mouth, but her eyes seem genuinely inquiring. "What are you doing here?"

"I've been a little behind on the Patterson case the last few days. I really need to get it done sooner than later. The trial is right around the corner."

Donna seems to be reflecting, a frown growing on her face. "But I thought you were celebrating with Marcus?"

"Apparently, he decided to go to Florida to celebrate with the kids and Lily. I told him I would go to Boston for New Year's Eve instead."

"How did he take it?"

"As you know Marcus would," he shrugs nonchalantly. "What was I supposed to do? He's the one changing the plan last minute."

"Well, it seems only fair that he compromises since Nicole's family lives in Florida," Donna retorts, raising an eyebrow.

Harvey feels genuinely clueless, yet he knows he probably shouldn't be. "Who?"

"Oh my god, really?" Her stare is a serious one, but she shakes her head in a playful way. "His new girlfriend, Harvey! Did you even talk to Marcus?"

Harvey refrains a sigh, annoyed with the question but mostly annoyed with himself. He really could have taken the time to listen to his brother's stories more. "Well, apparently you did."

"Of course I did. As I do when he calls me on Christmas week every single year."

Donna lightly smiles, and after a short silence, she adds, "I should go, I promised I'd be home early this afternoon."

She waits for an answer but all Harvey can do is look at her and force a smile. She smiles back, a polite smile which Harvey hesitates to translate as resignation or pity. She walks back slowly enough for Harvey to unwittingly appreciate her features. Green really does fit her well.

She stops with one foot out of the door, then turns around. "Merry Christmas, Harvey," she says with this time a softer smile on her face. "Don't stay too late, okay?"

He follows her with his eyes until she turns the corner. The pinch in his heart has never been so sharp.

By 4pm, the pile of documents is coming to an end. Harvey has managed to keep himself busy, but the thought of her still lingers in the back of his mind. He hates to admit it, but celebrating Christmas alone wasn't so bad when he knew she was alone too, or with her family. He knows it's not fair, and a part of him is finding peace in the fact that she is content, but he just can't lie to himself and pretend that he is too.

His office phone ring makes him jump as he is lost in his thoughts. Harvey sighs and picks it up.

To his biggest surprise, he hears Donna's voice on the other end of the line.

"Donna? What is it? Is everything alright?"

"I'm fine, Harvey. I just... I just hate that you are spending this evening alone and I thought maybe you could stop by, we bought food for an army."

Harvey freezes from the surprise, and doesn't quite know what to say. "Donna..."

"Oh come on, Harvey, just an hour or two. You can't seriously be considering spending the night alone at the bar. Plus-"

The words become too indistinct for Harvey to understand, as noises of clattering dishes are too loud in the background. "I can't hear you, Donna. Look, thank you for inviting me, but-"

"I said, it would make me happy to have you here," she repeats, further from the ambient noise.

Harvey closes his eyes, feeling so vulnerable as he does any time she asks something from him. But spending the evening with them? How in the world can she even think it's a good idea? So many thoughts are racing in his mind. Maybe it was Thomas's idea, for all he knows. "I really don't know how I feel about that," he says, his voice trailing off.

"Well then, you don't leave me any choice." Donna's voice is calm, but firm. "I told Ray to wait for you until you'd show up. You wouldn't want Ray to spend all Christmas Eve waiting for you now, would you?"

Harvey feels his patience decreasing. His hand starts fidgeting, and he can't hold back a sigh of irritation. "You have Ray's number now?"

"Harvey," Donna says with her familiar sassy voice, "I have your bank account number. You really think I don't know your driver's number after all these years? Anyway, I have to hang up now. Ray is waiting for you in the lobby."

Donna hangs up, leaving Harvey hanging with the phone in his hand. He stands still, confused as can be. Has she been drinking? She must have been.

Harvey feels petrified. As much as the idea of being away from her on this particular night pains him, the idea of being with her _and_ him is atrocious. Dammit, why does she have to do that? He paces around his office then picks up the phone again. He dials, and ends up directly on Ray's voicemail. Of course he won't answer, she had given the commands after all.

Standing still beside the door, he nervously runs his hand through his hair. He does hate the thought of Donna worrying about him, because he knows she will, but he can't seem to ease his frustration about her putting him in this more than odd position to start with. The past few weeks have been so tense; he is afraid that if he doesn't accept her outstretched hand, it will just make everything worse.

He walks to his desk, turns off his laptop, and pauses for a few seconds to collect his thoughts. Worst case, he thinks, he shows up there, has one drink and leaves. It would have to happen one way or another, after all. He'll be stuck with them at work for meetings, or at galas, or at other firm parties. Safe to say the more he waits, the more awkward things are gonna get.

 _Oh and whatever._ He's alone. Thomas is a good lad. She's... well, she's there.

Harvey grabs his coat and storms out of his office before he changes his mind. He finds Ray in the lobby, and he follows him to the car parked just in front. The 15 minute ride never seemed so long. He is sitting straight in the backseat, and he doesn't move one inch for all the duration of the trip. He feels like a stone statue, except with a racing heartbeat. He's still very much unsure of why he accepted her invitation.

The car finally stops in front of Donna's building. Harvey sits still, until Ray's polite yet pressuring look in the rear-view mirror forces him to move. Taking a deep breath, he steps out of the car and, after a long indecision, slowly walks to the main entrance.

He steps in and walks up the stairs to the 2nd floor, an uneasy feeling taking over as he strolls along the corridor. 212, 210, 208. He almost trips when he finally gets to her door.

206\. He hears ambient noise and a faint voice. Harvey stands there for few seconds, wondering if Donna has been mocking him, and he suddenly feels ridiculous for accepting to show up. With no further hesitation, he turns around and walks back.

He doesn't have the time to make a third full step when the door opens.

"Harvey!" Donna greets him.

 _Shit._

He turns around to face her. She has a heartwarming smile on her face, but he can sense a touch of surprise. Harvey hopes she didn't change her mind, making himself look even more foolish than he feels.

He stands still for a second, waiting for her to make a move. Donna steps aside, letting Harvey walk past her. Slowly, he steps inside her apartment. The place smells of various scents, reminiscing of his family parties where the food would cover the table to the point where everyone struggled to find room for their plate. The furniture has been moved, but he can clearly remember every piece of it, as if each of them is associated with its own memory.

His thoughts are interrupted by the rattling sound of dishes from the kitchen, bringing him back to reality. He removes his coat and turns around to hang it on a hook in the doorway. The door is very close, and he is seriously contemplating the idea of running back out. He still has one hand on his coat when he hears footsteps approaching.

"Harvey!" says the familiar voice.

His heart skips a beat. He spins around quickly. "Helena?" he exclaims. His voice hints of surprise and this time he can't hide it.

He looks at the woman standing in front of him. The greyish red hair, the grin on the corner of her mouth, the sparkly eyes. Donna's mother has not changed at all.

"I'm glad you could make it," she says with a smile, placing a hand over his shoulder. "Now excuse me for a second, I need to go back in there before anything burns."

Before he can recover from the shock, Donna's mom is walking back to the kitchen. Harvey is in utter disbelief, not understanding what he's missed. When his heart rate slowly goes back to a normal state, he turns his gaze to Donna. She stares back with a mysterious look on her face.

"Donna, what the hell is going on? Why-" Harvey stops abruptly, looking around the living room. It suddenly hits him, "Where's Thomas?"

Donna purses her lips and, shifting her weight, she slightly narrows her eyes. "Home, I guess, with his family."

"You guess?" Harvey articulates, raising an eyebrow.

She opens her mouth to answer, but Helena comes back from the kitchen carrying a plate of various entrees, before she can add anything. Helena puts the plate on the table and takes a seat, staring at them as they're still awkwardly standing in the vestibule.

Harvey is desperately trying to process all the thoughts spiralling his head. He feels like he's in a dream, the surrealism of that turn of events not fully sinking in just yet. He mechanically follows Donna to the table and sits down in front of her mother, where he more than gladly accepts the glass of wine offered to him, and gulps down a few sips.

"Well Harvey, you look like you've just seen a ghost. Do I just look that old?" Helena says in a playful voice.

The similarity between her tone and her daughter's voice is uncanny, and Harvey can't repress a smile. "I'm just surprised. Happily surprised. It's been a while."

"Oh you're right. It's been a few years! Actually, the last time I saw you it was right here. How fitting."

"It was. For the go-od dinner party!" he says, quickly, seeing Donna's eyebrows raise from the corner of his eye.

"Good? If that's what a good dinner is to you, remind me to never accept an invitation to one of yours!" Helena adds in a chuckle.

Harvey laughs, wondering if she remembers everything that happened that night.

It takes a few glasses of wine for Harvey's thoughts to start settling. He never would have expected to spend the night with Donna and her mother when he woke up this morning, but he finds himself enjoying it more than he thought he would. He doesn't remember the last time he really appreciated Christmas Eve that much, actually. He's also thankful to Helena for learning more about Donna than he managed to find out in almost 15 years. In a way, he feels closer to her now than he ever did, even though truthfully Helena was the one carrying the conversation. The evening flies by in a blissful way.

After a few hours, Helena gets up, looking at her watch. "Well, it's already past 8:00, I should get going."

"What? Going? Where?" Donna frowns with surprise, getting up as well in a hurry.

Picking up her jacket from the chair, Helena looks at her with a wry smile, "Well, you dragged me here to have dinner with the _both_ of you so I planned an evening out with some old college friends, since I'm in town."

"You didn't tell me you were leaving early," Donna says promptly.

"What, you thought I was just going to stay here and play third wheel?"

Donna seems to be caught off guard, and she stares at her mother, wearing a dumbfounded look.

"Alright now, I have a bus to catch."

"You're not seriously thinking of walking? In this cold? I'll call you a cab" Harvey says, seeing Donna is still at a loss for words.

"Nonsense. It's only a 15 minute bus ride. Plus a little walk to the bus station will help me digest the amount of food I just consumed."

Harvey walks towards the door. "Let us walk you there, at least."

Harvey grabs his coat, followed by Donna and her mother. They head out, and walk a few blocks until they arrive to the bus station.

"It was lovely to see you again, Helena," Harvey says with a smile. Donna's mother was the kind of person who could make one's heart instantly lighten up. He really did enjoy her company.

Helena turns to him with a small smirk, "I hope I didn't interrupt you evening with my old woman stories."

"No, not at all," Harvey says softly, in all honesty.

Donna puts her arms around her mother. "Thank you for coming, Mom. Are you sure you don't want to take a cab?"

"It's fine, Donna. The bus is leaving in 2 minutes."

Helena walks off to the bus, turning around to wave to them with a smile.

The bus quickly departs, and Harvey and Donna wait on the platform until it's out of sight. In an awkward silence, they start walking back. Harvey isn't sure of what to say, and he doesn't want to break the silence. What he knows is that he feels warm and light. The wine is still having an effect on him, of course, but Donna's hand holding his arm alone makes the cold winter night significantly more comfortable.

After a few minutes, he can't hold back all the confusion anymore. "So, are you gonna tell me what this is about?"

"Well, this is about you and me having dinner with my mother", Donna replies, with her usual smartass stare.

"Yes, that I could tell," Harvey says, purposely stopping as he waits for an answer.

Donna stops beside him, and shrugs before replying. "I told her it would be nice to have her have dinner with us, and she wouldn't stop harassing me about the fact that I greeted her alone."

"Oh, so I'm just a convenient substitute." Harvey's tone is casual, but he means his words more than he'd like to admit.

"No... I wanted you there."

He knows that he should probably just go with it, but he needs to understand. "You wanted me there or you wanted to shut your mother up?"

"Why can't it be both?"

Harvey opens his mouth to reply, when his cell phone starts buzzing in his pocket. Remembering that he activated the function for calls to be forwarded directly to his voicemail, he takes a glance. Three missed calls in five minutes, and one voicemail. It must be something important. He begrudgingly listens to the message as they carry on walking.

"Shit." Harvey shoves his phone back in his pocket and turns to face Donna. "It was Mr Patterson. He needs some details about the last subpoena we received."

"Really, Harvey? On Christmas Eve?" Donna asks. She purses her lips as she looks up at him.

"Well, I didn't plan on doing anything tonight, Donna," he says in a harsher way than he intended. "I told him I would be available all weekend since the trial is in early January."

She keeps silent for a few seconds. "Whatever you need to do," she finally replies in a dry voice.

"I wish I could do otherwise. Look, maybe we can hang out tomorrow?" he says, knowing full well that it sounds like a sorry attempt to buy peace. And, well, maybe it just is.

"It's fine. You're busy. Just... just go."

He could hear Donna's voice cracking as she said those last words.

"I'll call you," he simply adds, trying very hard to ignore Donna's upset stare.

Harvey walks off, feeling his heart swell up. The anguish sets in immediately. He feels as he always does when he knows he messed up. _Dammit._

Two blocks down the street, Harvey walks beside an ice rink. Taking a peek, he sees a handful of people skating to festive music. The sight of the picturesque scene makes him smile with melancholy, but the happiness he witnesses on the skaters' faces quickly makes him remember the much different look on Donna's face when he left her.

The song blaring from the speaker jolts him out of his thoughts.

 _All the lights are coming on now._

 _How I wish that it would snow now._

 _I don't fe_ _e_ _l like going home now_ _._

Home. The empty condo. The cold. The lonely drinks. _Home._

Without a second thought, he picks up his phone and dials. Voicemail. Perfect. He briefly explains to Mr Patterson that there are a few more than capable assistants at ZSLWW who could help him for the time being and, if not, any matter could wait until tomorrow. He all of a sudden feels as if a ton has been lifted from his shoulders.

Rushing off, he swiftly walks along the streets to Donna's building, where he arrives in a few minutes.

He runs up the stairs, his breath accelerating with every step. Arrived in front of her door, this time he doesn't hesitate for a second and he knocks.

A few seconds pass, then the door slowly opens. Donna's eyes widen from the surprise.

"Harvey," she exclaims.

"I don't feel like going home."

"What?"

"I don't feel like going home, Donna," he repeats.

Donna frowns lightly, then steps aside to let Harvey walk in, "Well, I guess I still have some wine left to share."

Harvey ventures in. Donna follows him closely and walks to the kitchen table to get the wine bottle. He drops his coat on the nearest chair and, under a sharp impulse, he turns around and leans towards Donna, pressing his lips against hers. Donna freezes for a second, then he can feel her mouth begin to move against his. He takes a step forward to get closer, and softly grabs her arm. Without a warning, Donna unexpectedly breaks the kiss as quickly as it started, taking a step backward and staring with an astounded stare.

"Harvey, what is this?" she asks in a breath.

Harvey is taken aback by her reaction. His mouth hangs open and he is starting to feel the panic taking over. He didn't plan any of this, and now he feels stupid for not having thought this through at the very least. "I don't know," he replies. He can't think of anything more clever to say, really.

"You don't know," Donna adds, with a hint of exasperation.

"Donna!" he almost yells, wondering what the hell he is expected to reply.

"You can't just show up here and do this, without knowing what it means!"

"What it means? Do I need draw it for you?"

"I just... I can't take this anymore. All this back and forth. Why do you keep doing this?" she blurts out.

"Doing what?"

"Harvey, you keep opening doors just enough for me to peek in, but never enough to let me in. And you don't even have the decency to at least close them on your way out,"Donna says with a pleading voice. "And no matter how hard I try, no matter what I do, you're always here. Even when you're avoiding me, you make me feel you here even more."

"I thought I was giving you space," Harvey's voice trails off.

"You were still here, Harvey. You're everywhere."

He is starting to feel a hint of irritation. " _You_ are the one who invited me!"

"I know, and I know I'm maybe not being fair. But-" Donna stops and sighs.

His thoughts wander in every direction at once, realizing that maybe he got it all wrong. Maybe she really only wanted him there to make up for Thomas's absence. Maybe he should just have went back home. He takes a deep breath. "But what, Donna?"

"But since last week all I've been thinking about is what you told me. How me and Thomas, it bothered you," she starts, shaking her head. She slowly sits down on the sofa, followed by Harvey.

"And I _hate_ that you left me at that once again, Harvey, if we're talking about not being fair," she adds.

Harvey feels a tweak in his heart. He knew he would regret this conversation for a while. "I know. And I'm sorry."

"You're sorry?"

"Not in that way, Donna. I'm not sorry I said that," he says firmly. He is starting to feel as if he's undergoing interrogation, and his tone involuntarily changes. "Look, you invite me here with your mom, without even letting me know what was going on with Thomas. What am I supposed to think? What _is_ going on, Donna?"

Donna looks at him with pleading eyes. She lowers her gaze and closes her eyes. "I don't know," she barely audibly replies.

"Donna..."

She looks up to him with teary eyes. "Why does that matter now, Harvey? We split up."

The sight of her reddened eyes affects him greatly, but he can't drop the matter now. He's avoided hard talks too many times to not have learned his lesson. He continues, "You just learned today that I wasn't going with Marcus, so obviously you were planning on spending tonight with Thomas. What happened? What did he do?"

"He didn't do anything. He did all the right things." She shrugs, turning her palms up.

"So then what?"

"So then we split up, Harvey. What do you want me to tell you?"

Harvey can't repress an annoyed sigh. "How about you just tell me what this really means."

"Right," she says, with a bitter smile. "Because it went great the last time I tried that."

"You mean the time that you kissed me and said you didn't feel anything?"

"Don't you dare say you were any better that night, Harvey."

Harvey keeps silent. He wants to tell her how badly he wanted to speak up, on that particular night, but it's too little too late now.

"Wow," she scoffs, "It's always gonna be this way, isn't it?"

Harvey closes his eyes for a few seconds, then looks Donna straight in the eye. "No," he mutters.

"No?"

"No," he adds more clearly. "It doesn't have to be."

Donna frowns, looking at Harvey with quizzical eyes.

He moves closer to her, his leg now barely touching hers. "Look, Donna, I know we both have a lot of things to figure out. I know we have a lot of mending to do. But maybe, just maybe, we can try to do this together," he says in a low voice. He sees the frown in Donna's face change to a softer stare.

The words came out on their own, and he feels petrified, but he knows there's no turning back now. "In the past few hours alone, I felt like I belonged more than I've felt so in years. Being here with you, sharing time... This is what I want. So yes, Donna, I _am_ always here. Because here is where I want to be."

He can see some hesitation on her face, her eyes still red and watery. He can tell she is still holding back.

Harvey brushes Donna's hands. She turns her palms up and squeezes his. He feels his shoulders relax. Her touch gives him just the encouragement he needs to carry on.

"You know I love you, Donna,", Harvey says in a soft, truthful tone.

He moves his head closer, feeling his heart pounding, anxious while he waits for a response.

Donna closes her eyes for a second. She tilts her head to the side as she opens them back. "Love me how?" she asks carefully.

Narrowing his eyes, he smirks. "Wow, I really do need to draw it for you," he gently says.

She looks at him with delicate eyes. "Shut up, Harvey," she whispers with a smile.

Harvey tightens his grip of her hands, and he tilts his head, leaning forward. "I love you like this," he says, as his longing lips find Donna's mouth. He feels her shoulders drop as she gives in to the kiss, holding still for a few seconds.

Harvey pulls back slowly, resting his forehead against hers. Her hot breath on his face and her dark eyes ignite his whole self with an increasing desire. He lets go of her hand and slowly travels up to her shoulder, brushing the soft skin of her arm. Staring at her reddened face, he tucks a strand of hair behind her ear and cups her face, before crashing his mouth on hers, kissing her more greedily. Harvey's heart is pounding. Pulling her lower lip between his, he clasps his hand on the back of her head. Donna parts her lips, letting out a moan when Harvey's tongue brushes her upper lip and hungrily enters her mouth.

As she deepens the kiss, Donna's hands slide to his chest, opening the first two buttons of his shirt. She lifts her dress slightly, just enough to allow her legs to straddle him. Harvey grunts, letting his hands travel to her hips and her back. He slowly unzips her dress, then lowers its straps to her waist, embracing every inch of uncovered skin with his fingers. Donna's breath accelerates as his mouth follow the same path, lending hungry kisses on her neck and shoulder.

Harvey pulls his head back slightly to look at her face. "Damn, you're so hot," he groans. He never forgot the sight of her just that way, years ago, but no memory could ever compare to seeing her eyes desiring him. Donna lowers her head to kiss him, her tongue swirling around his. She guides Harvey's hand to her chest, then slides it down. Harvey cups her breast through the soft fabric, pressing it firmly, making her body shiver. Her hips are slowly rolling against him and he feels his cock twitch at the contact.

Tilting her head, Donna gently bites his lower lip as she unbuttons the rest of his shirt, pulling it open. She strokes her hands along his shoulders and grips the back of his head. Harvey unhooks her bra rapidly, only to caress her skin all the way back to her breasts, feeling her nipples harden under his thumbs.

Feeling more blood rush south, Harvey grabs Donna's waist then proceeds to stand, hastily carrying her to the bedroom. He gently drops her on the bed and removes her dress, revealing her flushed skin. He pictured this moment for so long; he feels like there can't be enough time to feel her completely. He takes a few seconds to look at her, allowing his hands to explore all her shapes, wandering from her breasts to her butt and thighs, feeling her shiver under his palms.

Donna's hands travel down his chest and stomach, and make their way to his belt. She quickly unbuckles it, then unbuttons his pants, pulling them down with Harvey's help. He holds his breath as she brushes her fingers over his boxers, making his dick painfully hard.

Meeting her mouth with passion again, his hands slide up her thighs, running over the lace of her panties. He carefully pulls them down, finally exposing the flesh that he has dreamt of for years. He softly runs his hand on her sensitive skin, tracing all its patterns. He slowly increases his pace, his thumb circling around her center, guided by her moans. Donna's breathing intensifies. "I want you, Harvey," she pleads, Harvey's desire peaking at the sound of her demand.

He removes his boxers, then moves closer, leaning over Donna. He looks at her with interrogating eyes. "It's okay, we used protection," she quickly says. Pulling her knee up, he slowly slides into her, groaning against her cheek. He starts thrusting, and their bodies begin waltzing in synchronized patterns. All the refrained impulses finally releasing, they get lost into each other. No need for words, their moans and groans and breaths fill the room as they both climax seconds apart.

Harvey drops to Donna's side. She rests her head on his shoulder, as they both catch their breath. Overwhelmed by all emotions that have taken over in the past hours, they lay there for he doesn't know how long. All he knows is that he is enjoying every single second of it.

"Donna" he murmurs.

"Hmm?" she replies in a sleepy voice.

"Merry Christmas."

She smiles, repositioning her head on his chest. "I love you," she mumbles softly.

Harvey slowly feels her breathing become louder and regular. His hand softly brushes her hair, and for the first time in a long while, he feels just right. He knows to take nothing for granted, and he knows that nothing is a given. But for the time being, for once, he has hope.

Tracing her spine with his fingers, he slowly turns his head to look outside the window.

He sees all the lights that are on now.

And how it just started to snow now.

How he's glad he isn't home now.

Or is he?


End file.
